Lady LUX

Principles to keep in mind

When you are ready to have that conversation, there are a few principles to follow to make sure that you get the desired result, according to Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Designer Relationships, Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment, and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality.

• Three Spoonfuls of Sugar - We recommend offering a minimum of three compliments or clear statements about current things you appreciate before making suggestions or requests for change.
• Unconditional Confidence in Your Beloved's Abilities - If your partner is not responding to your requests, it may be pertinent to examine if you are asking for a change while anticipating failure. If so, make an adjustment and be sure to ask for things that your beloved can do relatively easily. It is not fair to make a request that you know or have reason to believe is beyond your partner's ability to fulfill.
• Timing and Location - All too often people make the mistake of asking for a change before, during, or immediately after lovemaking. These are times of great vulnerability, and even a lighthearted suggestion may well be received as criticism. In addition, if you expect the conversation might get a little heated, never begin it just before bed. You want your bedroom to be safe place in which you feel connected and sexy.
• Profuse Appreciation - It is important to express gratitude for even the smallest shift toward your desired result. Most positive changes do not happen over night. Change may take place in several stages, since it is not always easy to break out of habitual patterns. When desired results are achieved, it's not uncommon for people to jump to the next request without acknowledging what has been accomplished. When you do this, your beloved receives the message that his efforts to please you only lead to new demands. This can create a sense of failure, and he may not see any reason to even try.
• Desires vs. Needs - In our culture these two words are often used interchangeably, yet they mean very different things. A need is something essential to your very survival, so it is important to avoid making requests in these terms. If you can express your requests as personal preferences or desires, there will be room for adjustment and mutuality in how you decide to proceed.
• Dialogue not Demand - Try to frame things as requests, not demands. This means checking in to see if your partner would truly like to fulfill your request and whether he's confident he'll be able to. If not, see if there is an alternative that would work for both of you.
• Seek Understanding - If, after a couple of discussions, his actions and your agreements are not aligned, check in with him, and say something like, “We agreed to make love earlier, so I won't be too tired, but we don't seem to be able to get to it before 9 pm. I want sex to be enjoyable for us both, so let's see what else we can do to get in the habit of making love at a time that's good for both of us.”