Ask Drew: What NOT to Wear This Halloween

Oct 13, 2013
Drew • Lifestyle

Ah, Halloween. It's my second favorite holiday, only bested by Thanksgiving; a day when it's perfectly acceptable to drink an entire bottle of vodka during a football game, eat an infant-sized plate of food, then repeat after a short nap. But that's more than a month away whereas All Hallow's Eve is right around the corner. Not only is Halloween the equivalent to Christmas for pedophiles, it's also when every girl plans a Pocahontas or Jasmine costume for weeks, but eventually settles on “Girl Who Hates Her Father.” On the off chance you don't feel like embarrassing yourself by doing your Miley Cyrus impression for a night, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Avoid Excessive Face Paint & Hair Dye

Let's be honest, unless you're a little tike going door to door filling up a pillowcase with a future diabetes diagnosis, the point of Halloween is to drink a little bit and find somebody to go home with. It's the one night where taking home a girl with a bloody gash on her head won't end with you in a jail cell missing your shoe laces. Unfortunately, the next day always leaves my comforter and pillowcases looking like a scene out of “The Shining.” As much as we love your “Walking Dead” costume, we don't love heading to Bed, Bath and Beyond with a hangover to ring in the month of November.

Don't Be Walter White

I can already tell this is going to be this year's Sarah Palin. That was at least gender appropriate, but because this show is more popular than most organized religions (and rightfully so—I was just as addicted as the rest of you), I can already see groups of girls (and guys) walking around in hazmat suits and black fedoras. Just don't. Please. With one exception: if you really want to sell the character and are willing to shave your head, it's allowed. The facial hair can easily be fixed with a fake goatee, but that brings me to my next point…

Finger Mustache

Stop with the Fake Mustaches

What is with this new trend? Every time I click on anything social media, I get a picture of three girls at a wine bar holding up fake mustaches over their duck faces. I get that it's simple, and I fear that this will be a go-to for girls who didn't plan something. Why is that cute, but when I put lipstick and a blonde wig on for a night on the town I get looked at like some social pariah?

Don't Go Home with “That Guy”

And by “that guy,” I mean the imbecile that uses some played out costume as an excuse to walk around shirtless for a night. Notice that it's never the guy with a Gumby-like figure. It's always the guy who was a linebacker in high school, but whose glory days are long gone. Halloween is that guy's Super Bowl, so please don't encourage him. He's probably never even seen Conan the Barbarian, but it was a clever way for him to pop a Viagra and walk around in a banana hammock with a shaved chest for the night. Yeah, we get it. He's attractive, but so is Ryan Lochte; a guy who's probably not mentally qualified to load your bags at the airport. Besides, it makes everything a whole lot tougher for guys like myself.

When in Doubt - Just Do What I Said Not To

I didn't mean that thing I said about not dressing as a “naughty [fill in the blank].” Just like you like the shirtless knuckle-dragger, we like the girl dressed like Catwoman. Actually it doesn't matter if you're a cliche, slutty Disney princess or a sexy Grimace (points if you can actually find a way to pull that off). If you're scantily clad and interested in us, we'll gladly take home a purple McDonald's mascot. It is Halloween after all, and I've woken up next to scarier…