What Happens After the Third Date with Him
What you should expect after the important third date.
There are a gazillon tips out there for the infamous first date, even the second and third dates. But what about after the third date? This is the time when relationship decisions are made and many guys go AWOL after the third date, leaving you wondering what went wrong.
There are plenty of guidelines that you should keep in mind after the third date, because this is a time ripe with problematic potential. It’s when you’re just comfortable enough to perhaps break some of the golden rules of dating because you really like him. This is when women who know better will start calling or texting him a little too much, or, heavens forbid, invite him to dinner with the parents.
One of the reasons women make mistakes after the third date is, “our main reason for dating is usually to get into a relationship, while a man’s focus is usually to get to the next step, be it another date or sex,” said Tamara Leah Orras, dating and relationship coach and founder of Flirt With Me Coaching Services.
“At each date a man will evaluate if he is having fun, if she is into him and if he wants to see her again. If the answer is yes, then he usually asks her out again. As women, we are evaluating if he’s the one, do we get along and if he will be a good provider. This pull to seek out and secure a relationship is where we women can sometimes get ourselves in a pickle, mostly because our focus becomes about the relationship,” Orras said.
This can cause relationship stress, especially early in the dating situation. “Being aware that this is happening goes a long way to take some of the pressure off the table to be in a relationship. It also allows a woman to stay true to herself and make decisions that are a fit for the kind of man she really wants to be with,” Orras said.
She said, “Relationship decisions are made throughout the courtship process but the positions, patterns and relationship roles are established very early on. A man’s decisions are more near sighted, meaning that he is only evaluating a woman on a date-by-date basis. The rule of thumb is simple, if you continue to get asked out on dates by the same man than he is into you. He’s simply looking for interest and compatibility. Very few men are actually focused on a relationship as the end game as to why they are dating.”
She pointed out, “Most men don’t even have end games. That’s why you hear them say, ‘If I find the right person who’s a match for what I want than a relationship could be in the cards.’ Notice the relationship is not his end game.”
Jennifer Donnelly, a dating andrelationship expert, author, entrepreneur and motivational speaker, said her best advice to a woman is, “Cool your jets. Just because you made it to the third date does not mean you're exclusive, so don't act like it. If you start acting like he is your boyfriend around friends, family and him, he will likely flip out internally and pull away. There is no time limit on monogamy so let things play out as they should without expectations and labels.”
The third date is also known the “sex date” where a couple has sex for the first time, so if this happens, or doesn’t happen, that can also seriously affect the future of the relationship.
Cool your jets. Just because you made it to the third date does not mean you're exclusive
Elliott Katz, author of Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man, said, “If the third date, is the sex date, don't let having sex cloud your judgment and avoid talking about life goals to see if you are really compatible and want the same kind of life. You may be physically attracted and think you like the person, when what you like is being intimate with them. You may think you need to ensure you are sexually compatible, but being sexually compatible won't keep you together when there are challenges in your relationship. On and after the third date, talk about your goals. Having the same goals for your lives can keep you together in difficult times. Sex won't. Make the third and following dates the time to talk about your life goals.”
This is also the time to seriously look for any red flags. Orras said, “When we compromise who we are, or what we want we begin to lose a part of ourselves. For women I notice they can lose themselves with out even knowing it’s happening only to realize it after the fact, when it is too late.”
Orras said, “Relationships end all the time so if a man stops calling you, your best bet is to not make it mean anything about yourself. I’ve interviewed lots of men about this topic and I’ve heard all sorts of stories about what happened. Some say, ‘I was dating someone else when we met and I chose her.’ Or, ‘I had family issues that I didn’t think she would understand,’ or, ‘I had lost my job and realized she wouldn’t be with me if she knew.’”
“As women, our focus is on what we did wrong or what he didn’t like about us, when most of the time the reason he stops calling has nothing to do with us. If you it ended after the first or second date I wouldn’t make much of it. But if it’s past that point and you are bold enough, you could always ask why, hear what he has to say and let him go anyway. Because, clearly this one wasn’t your match anyway,” she said.
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