Breakups 101: How To Do It Right
This is how to breakup with him
One of the toughest things anyone will ever do is breakup with someone. No matter how ready you are to move on, knowing that you’re hurting someone’s heart, and ending any hope of a future together, can be devastating.
If you think that it’s time to breakup, here’s how to do it the right way. But be forewarned, it still won’t be easy.
Be respectful
No matter the length of the relationship, the other person should be treated with the utmost respect, even if they are not respectful to you, said Robert Ohotto, author of Transforming Fate into Destiny. “This is about you, not them. Never 'leave your throne' or act inappropriately. Always take the high road,” he said.
Stef Safran, founder of Stef and the City dating service in Chicago, agreed.
“A woman should always try and treat someone how she would want to be treated. No one wants to be broken up with via text, email, changing your status on Facebook, by disappearing, or through a PostIt. Unless the person you are breaking up with is threatening towards you, do it in a phone call or a face-to-face meeting,” Safran said.
How to do it
Safran said, “If you've only gone on a few dates, or if it's not an exclusive relationship, calling to end it is fine. The length of time you have been dating does make a difference, but only between whether its face-to-face or by a phone call. Texting or emailing shouldn't be the way you breakup, although many people will chicken out of talking to the person and hearing their voice.”
It’s common for Safran’s clients to get breakups via text or email, and they never talk to the other party, she said. “This leads them to feel that there isn't closure, especially when a breakup is a surprise. The longer you have been with someone, the more you owe to them since you might have friends, belongings and more still connected to each other. Even if the person you are with doesn't respond well to the breakup, knowing that you treated someone by acknowledging them in the long run shows that you respect them enough to offer them a real goodbye.”
Frank Bevacqua, a Phoenix psychologist and life coach, said that while conventional wisdom dictates that length of
relationship equates to method of breakup and that some say a text message is okay after just a few dates, and an in-person breakup only for serious, longer relationships, he thinks that it should be individualized to each situation.
“Whether having been on a single date or dated for two years, if she wishes to remain friends with him, the breakup is best done in person. Similarly, regardless of the length of the relationship, if he is a creep and she wants nothing to do with him anymore, a a very clearly (but not meanly) stated text message or email followed by a prolonged period of ignoring your ex-partner's attempts at contacting you may be necessary. The latter is the key: guys are prone to hang on to any hope and even taking the time to respond and say, ‘I told you to get lost,’ tells a guy that ‘she cares enough about me to respond. I should keep trying.’”
This happens because, Bevacqua said, “When it comes to love (and lust), we are not logical beings. When it comes to breaking up with someone, you must take the selfish road; trying to spare someone's feelings usually only results in mixed signals and leaves room for interpretation of hearing what we want to hear. Do not give a guy that chance. Make sure your breakup words and actions are in line with what you want and do not waver once those words have been spoken. It will only prolong an already unpleasant time for everyone.”
Stay safe
And remember to keep your own safety in mind when you breakup with someone, no matter how long you’ve been together, said Virginia Roberts, an online dating coach at TheHeartographer.
“If you get any sense at all that the guy you're breaking up with might freak out or react in a dramatic way, break up in person in a public place and make sure a friend knows that that's what your plan was,” Roberts said.
Also, you don’t have to justify why you’re ending the relationship. “If the guy you're breaking up with keeps pressing you to stay together, or if he insists on you giving him reasons why you want to end it, stand your ground — you don't need to justify your desire to move on in order to get permission. Be clear that you want out, and stay firm on that resolve. Even if you intend to stay friends, it's sometimes best to allow for a good couple months of space before you try to redefine your relationship,” Roberts said.
