Stalking: Are you a victim?
Learn how to protect yourself
Stalking is a serious subject, not to mention incredibly scary and threatening.
Security experts, including former CIA officer Brad Robinson, who is now a partner with West Palm Beach, Fla.-based The Millenium Group, an investigative and security consulting firm, as well as Carole Lieberman, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of Bad Boys and Bad Girls, and Niall Cronnolly, president of Eagle PI Services in Atlanta, and Pamela Paziotopoulos, senior vice president of Forest Advisors in Lake Forest, Ill., and a former prosecutor for the Cook County State Attorney's Office, share their insights on what a woman should do if she believes she's being stalked.
Robinson said that male stalkers are more common than female, and they're also more likely to turn violent than their female counterparts. So take it seriously if you suspect you have someone stalking you and follow your gut instinct and do whatever it takes to stay safe.
Signs you're being stalked
LadyLUX: How can a woman tell if she's being stalked?
Robinson: The vast majority of women who are being stalked know they are being stalked. That's because, as much as the stereotype of the stalker has him hiding in the shadows, doing all he can to avoid detection, most of them, in fact, want their presence to be known. In the twisted logic of the stalker, when the object of his attention realizes how much he wants her (based on the extraordinary amount of time and effort he is devoting to the “relationship”), she will inevitably want him, too. However, some stalkers are more discreet, at least initially. If a woman senses that she has a stalker, most often she is correct and the stalking has probably been going on longer than her suspicions have.
Cronnolly: Women usually have a sixth sense about this. They notice irregularities which then become more commonplace such as a man on the corner who wasn't there before but seems to be there more regularly now.
Most commonly, a woman will have ended a relationship of some kind and it won't have ended well. The other party may not be satisfied with the termination of the relationship and will then seek to make contact to try to bridge the divide.
Stalkers have a psychological trigger that needs to be fed. They need to know their victim knows they exist and so they leave evidence or make contact in such a way as to disorient the victim. Then they know they're making a difference and their efforts are in fact working.
Dr. Lieberman: A woman should recognize that she is being stalked if she starts receiving unwanted emails, texts, phone calls or real life encounters from a man who persists in trying to gain her attention, despite her indicating that she wants nothing to do with him.
The stalker's identity
LL: Is a stalker typically someone she knows, or a stranger?
Cronnolly: Typically, it is someone she knows or has known in the past. Complete random stalking exists (as in the case of celebrities) but is rare.
Paziotopoulos: It can be either, but generally it is a former partner. After a woman breaks up with an individual who has been an abuser, that individual no longer knows where she lives, but knows where she works. Work hours, breaks, how you get to and from work is predictable. Thus, we see stalking in the workplace quite a bit.
Dr. Lieberman: A stalker can be someone who is somewhat familiar with her, but who she hasn't really noticed - such as a waiter at a restaurant she frequents, or a co-worker who sits in a cubicle behind her. A stalker can also be a disgruntled boyfriend whom she rejected.
LL: Should she follow her gut instinct if she think she has a stalker?
Robinson: A woman's gut instinct is a very powerful tool that should be heeded. Too often, a stalker's target will ignore that sixth sense and persuade herself that she is just being paranoid or letting her imagination get away from her. She doesn't want to appear foolish or weak so she pushes aside those suspicions until, sometimes, it's too late.
Paziotopoulos: Gavin de Becker in his book, Gift of Fear, talks about how fear is a gift. Our intuition is the best tool we have in this fight. Listen to it.
LL: What should a woman do if she suspects she has a stalker?
Cronnolly: She should immediately file a police report documented what she suspects. Police departments tend to not take suspicions seriously so she has to insist to file a report.
She should also take steps to document what is happening. She should record all her phone calls (if she's being stalked by phone). If she's being physically stalked she should carry a video camera or use the video function on her phone and then immediately call the police.
If she suspects it is someone she knows she should change all of her locks, change her phone number and obtain a new email address.
She should also inform her workplace of the situation and ask they be vigilant for strange faces or vehicles.
She should also confide in a family member so there is someone else who knows what is going on.
Social media's role
LL: Is social media making stalking more common?
Cronnolly: Social media allows a stalker to have more knowledge of their victim's activities.
Paziotopoulos: It is easier for stalkers to keep an eye on their victims through facebook and all the other social media. Be careful to make your pages private and do not post your whereabouts in real time. If you do that, then you are inviting the stalker to find you. Best recommendation is to get off all social media if you are being stalked.
LL: How can a woman protect herself?
Cronnolly: Woman should learn some basic self defense moves. They should also make sure their homes are locked and have an alarm system installed by a professional.
It's not a bad idea to carry pepper spray as you never know when your stalker will actually confront you although confrontation is very rare in stalking situations.
Dr. Lieberman: Try to avoid men who try to get too close too quickly - whether in person or online.
Paziotopoulos: Breakups with an abuser should never be in person. Break up over the phone, or through other means. Tell your employer if you suspect that your abuser may stalk you at work. Make sure your workplace does what they can to keep you safe. They are required to keep you safe at work even if you are being stalked by an ex partner or other type of stalker.
LL: When should she contact the authorities?
Cronnolly: As soon as she feels something is not right. Documentation is key if the situation gets more serious and having the authorities on notice will mean she won't have to re-explain the situation if a serious event occurs.
Tagged in: danger, stalking, protection, ex-boyfriend, self-defense,
